


In Space, Nothing Matters

by Instrumentalist



Category: Dangan Ronpa 3: The End of 希望ヶ峰学園 | The End of Kibougamine Gakuen | End of Hope's Peak High School, Dangan Ronpa: Another Episode
Genre: Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-07
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-28 22:44:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11427798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Instrumentalist/pseuds/Instrumentalist
Summary: And when nothing matters, there's nothing you can't think about.





	In Space, Nothing Matters

**Author's Note:**

> Monaka never got the love she needed.

On one level, Monaka Towa was just as angry and hurt as the other Warriors of Hope were. She too had a wellspring of rage she wanted to unleash on her father and her mother, fury that had been given an outlet through Big Sis Enoshima’s despair. Every day it burned inside her, and it made her deadlier with every passing moment. The takeover of Towa City, and Naegi Komaru-san’s crusade, were some of the best days of her life. Righteous anger, corruption borne out of justifiable reason, was the best anger in her mind. It was amusing to witness how much further down the road to Hell she was than her fellow classmates—if they truly believed they could make a Paradise with only other children, they obviously hadn’t been twisted enough by the world to realise that nobody can make Paradise. Humanity was doomed before any of them had even been born. Corruption bred corruption bred corruption and that corruption bred discord bred destruction bred despair _,_ and if they were already on that last step, there was nothing to be done but see it through to its natural conclusion. Big Sis had understood that, even if she and Monaka disagreed on _why_ it should be despair. In the end, they both wanted the same thing. They had come so close, too…

Servant was a lost cause. Something must’ve been crucially damaged in his brain. If not, she had no explanation why he was able to believe his stupid idea that hope and despair were locked in some sort of majestic battle that they were playing out. It wasn’t a battle. And hope didn’t _doesn’t_ matter. Who could believe that the ending of this story was anything but inevitable? Despair would win. Servant could natter away all he wanted, nothing he said would mean anything. Nothing meant anything.

That said… she was lying when she said that was all there was to it. Because as much as she hated her parents, especially her mother _that selfish disgusting monster how could she_ for her abandonment… there was something that plucked at her heart with an uncomfortable twinge when she thought about it. She was angry. She would always be angry. But if she admitted it to herself _I’ll never admit anything there isn’t anything to admit,_ she felt something else, too. 

 

 

 

 

Longing.

 

 

 

 

It disgusted her.

 

 

 

 

* * *

Her time in space softened her up somewhat. Not really caring about anything made it easier to loosen her grip on things like vengeance and anger. But when she started to let go of things that didn’t matter, it made room for the things that still did matter. And anger gave way to

 

 

longing.

 

 

It still disgusted her.

 

 

But that stopped mattering too.

 

 

* * *

Longing.

It felt so strange.

Her heart was being tugged at. Something was pulling at it, trying to move it somewhere. Unless it was trying to move itself. Maybe the pulling sensation was her heart trying to escape.

She hated her father. She really did. Even when anger was nothing, she would never want him. He never wanted her.

She hated her mother. She did. She didn’t want her. Her mother never wanted her.

She hated her mother?

She didn’t know her mother.

So? She hated the Future Foundation, and she didn’t know them either.

But she hated her mother?

She never knew why she left.

She never knew why her father hated her so much.

Wait, that’s not true. She knew why.

She really didn’t know why she left…

 

 

Maybe she might not hate her mother.

 

 

* * *

Her mother’s surname was Gekkougahara.

It meant “field of the moonlight.”

* * *

 

 

Her first name was Miaya.

“Beautiful colour.”

She was the former SHSL Therapist.

* * *

Monaka had killed her.

* * *

 

Monaka had never heard her voice. Only that wretched avatar’s voice. Usami, was it? It hadn’t said much. Avatars can’t scream very well. Her mother hadn’t screamed either.

But Monaka hadn’t given her the chance.

 

* * *

Everybody loved her. Barely an unkind word to be found.

Gekkougahara Miaya…

Okaa-san?

* * *

_I’ll never admit it_ When Monaka was younger, before she had her “accident”, she pretended her mother was coming back for her one day. She would come through the front door of Chichi’s house, sweep her up in her arms, and carry her away from that horrible place. She smelled like perfume and her hair was long and soft and she had the most beautiful smile Monaka had ever seen. She let Monaka call her Okaa-chan and let her burrow her face into her neck and hug her tightly and never let go.

After the “accident” _never came never came she never_ happened, Monaka stopped pretending.

One thing her imaginary mother and her real one had in common was they both never spoke. And they both had hair like her own. Except Okaa-chan’s wasn’t blue. Monaka never figured out which colour it really was.

She wondered what her mother’s voice sounded like.

* * *

Mother? Okaa-san?

Mama?

* * *

 

The longer nothing mattered, the more she started to wonder again.   
What was Mama like?  
Did she wear perfume?  
What did her smile look like under that scarf she always wore?  
What was her favourite colour?  
Why did she use Usami?  
Why had she left?  
Did she love Monaka?  
Would she love her if she was still alive?  
Would she forgive her?

* * *

_I miss Mama._

* * *

Gekkougahara Miaya was dead.

Monaka couldn’t pretend that away.

Nothing mattered.

Only the fact that she would never see her again mattered, and it was her fault.

She could pretend until she died, but her pretends never got her right.

Mama was gone.

Mama was never coming back.

That little girl was waiting at the door for someone to love her who would never come.

Monaka never wanted to see that door open so badly in her entire life.

* * *

 

_“Mama, Mama!”_

_“Hello, Monaka, sweetie!”_

_She smelled so nice. Her hair was so soft under her fingers._

_“I missed you, Mama!”_

_“I missed you too, Monaka. I’m here now.”_

_“Where were you, Mama?”_

_“Mama had to go away for a while. I never stopped thinking about you.”_

_“Why did you have to go, Mama?”_

_“Oh, dear, I’m so sorry, I couldn’t give you the love you needed. I wouldn’t have been a good mother to you. But I’m back now, and that’s what matters.”_

_“You won’t go away again, will you?”_

_“Never, baby. I’ll always be with you now.”_

_“I love you, Mama.”_

_“I love you too, Monaka.”_

**Author's Note:**

> In the end, that's all she really wanted.


End file.
